REVIEW: Sucker Punch

“Do you have a thirty page screenplay, a spacious closet, and think feminism is best represented in I Spit On Your Grave? Well, then here is one hundred million dollars. What I am thinking is we'll market the movie as "Alice in Wonderland with machine guns." That sounds good, right? What's that? A thirty page script is at most forty minutes of screen-time? I know how to mae it work: Slo-Mo!” It was a meeting like the one just imagined that birthed this vapid, misogynistic bastard child of The Secret and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow known as Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch

Be aware, some SPOILERS below. Do yourself a favor. Read them so you don't have to see them.


I saw Sucker Punch in its opening week. Not opening night, but in its first week. Aside from my friend and I? Three people in the audience. This was supposed to be a big flick. Almost exactly two years ago, Zack Snyder released Watchmen, a property many of us never thought, and some hoped, would come out. Regardless of how you feel about it, it was a big event that year. Sucker Punch seemed to be following the trend...until people saw it. Word of mouth has been so bad --and keep in mind the general public thinks Two and a Half Men was the best show on television -- that the theater was nearly empty. I've heard similar stories across that country. Even those of us who went in with low expectations, perfectly content to settle for two hours of eye candy, were disappointed. Okay, let's get on about this stinker.

There are three settings we have to trudge through, though all seem to be a part of the same world of eye shadow and rust. It was this constant barrage of hyper-stylized action and an over reliance on CG and filters (of which they only could find "nearby fire" and "TRON" apparently) that forces you to, ugh, pay attention to the story due to, well, boredom. Sarah Silverman has a joke about excessive pot use. In short, she talks about her friends who smoke every day. She urges them to "make it a treat," so that it doesn't get old and stays something special. Snyder needs this lesson. Stop with the green screen in a tiny room and make something real! Let the trailer-ready moments surprise us, not oversaturate your films.

Okay, so the eye candy hopes are out. Time to actually pay attention. For this, I am sorry. Here's the entirety of the plot: girl has evil step-father, he has her thrown in an insane asylum, and to cope she slips into, not one but, two different fantasy worlds. That's it. Cover to cover. It's a pretty thin story, better told in everything from Neverending Story to Tideland. Bumper sticker philosophy becomes the glue used to hold it together. If only Malcolm X or Alexander Hamilton were alive to hear their "if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything" quote used so meaninglessly... Zack Snyder thinks he is creating cinematic poetry, but he is most certainly not.

Got off topic. Okay, so the "protagonist," Baby Doll is living in -- I think -- the 1950s. Her first refuge from the horrors of the asylum is to see the place as a brothel, where she and her fellow inmates are made to dance and sex up the men who come by (the latter of which is mentioned once and never again). From there, when HER OWN FUCKING FANTASY THAT SHE HAS CREATED becomes too harsh, , like Inception's dream within a dream, she creates another, full of steam-powered zombie Nazis (the phrase is cooler than the execution), shiny robots, and the orcs from Lord of the Rings. Meanwhile, there is no real anchor set in the 1950s reality. Instead, we spend most of our time in her mind-made brothel, which, come the end of the film, leaving can be jarring or discombobulating. "Oh wait. This place? Right."

As she travels deeper and deeper into fantasy, one thing becomes apparent: it is a male fantasy. From 1950s to brothel to lady Rambo, the clothes get smaller, tighter, and more revealing. It's this "sexy sexism" that really started to bother me. In Snyder's mind, a woman's strength is positively correlated to her sex appeal.

The "strong woman" helping them cope in reality (as a therapist) and in the brothel (as a...dance instructor?), is Dr. Vera Gorski. When first introduced she is presented as the one person who wants to help these poor girls. In the brothel she urges them to dance away their troubles. Beyond that, she is paper thin. So I began to believe that know what she isn't actually the strong female character. She is broken and pitiful. Towards the end when she discovers that the orderlies have been abusing the patients, she is shocked, calls the police, and justice is served. What? How can the character you set up to be a woman helping them transcend their situation ultimately be so damn naive???

And finally, the most insulting of all is Blue. Not only is he the lead and most disgusting of the orderlies, not only is he the owner of the brothel ....he's the best written and developed character in the movie. He has a hook, he has a personality, he has a goddamn arc. So here we are in the film supposedly about "badass chicks" and what is the best part? The guy who sells their bodies. Way to go, Sucker Punch.

So this is the point where I usually decide I've been too harsh and sprinkle in some positive thoughts on the film. Sorry. Not happening

Sucker Punch is an amalgam of poor choices. For a film where it is crucial to live and breathe in the fantasy, it reveals itself as a masterclass of taking you out of the moment. Baby Doll lives in the 1950s, yet her fantasies are built upon some curiously familiar movie moments and musical cues. As mentioned earlier, at one point she and the ladies fight creatures that look EXACTLY like the Lord of the Rings orcs. I wish I could find a picture reference from Sucker Punch, but sadly I cannot. However there is one I could find. Steam-powered, zombie Nazis. Cool idea, right? Except that, yes I am accusing him, Zack Snyder stole the design from an anime called Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade. Don't believe me? Here:

Furthermore, the entire style of the film is drowning in anime sensibilities. I'll admit to not being the biggest fan of anime. The main reason being the exact same reason I'm still huffing over Sucker Punch. It's all style, no substance, yet they still try to throw in the lofty ideas, philosophies, and concepts. Bleh, moving on.

Perhaps more so than borrowing from films, the real travesty here is the music. Good lawd the music. In Watchmen Zack Snyder ruined a Leonard Cohen song. Here though, he out does himself. Pixies, Iggy Pop and the Stooges, Queen, Jeffereson Airplane, and Bjork are on Baby Doll's steampunk iPod. However, instead of the original songs (with Bjork being he exception) she prefers the cover, remix, or, in the case of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit", the orchestrated theme. Each song fit a little too well into their respective scenes. She develops her fantasy as NOT-Frank Black sings "Where Is My Mind?" Gunning down airplanes to The Stooges' "Search and Destroy?" Oh yeah, Mr. Snyder? You are so clever.

Two more rants and I'm done. I promise. For a film sold to the public as sexy girls and guns, I did not find them attractive at all. Giant rhinestones on a Sailor Moon uniform doesn't do it for me. The entirety of the five women's wardrobe seems to have come from the closet of Amy Winehouse. In a word: unflattering. So much so that I would be surprised if cosplayers, even at this year's Dragon*Con, dressed as Baby Doll, Sweet Pea, or Blondie.

And that's right.! It took me this long to name any other characters! Seems I spent as much time writing about them as anyone else. Amber, Sweet Pea, Rocket, Blondie, and Baby Doll. We don't get real names, because real names mean back story. After the visual style and story fail, the only life preserver in this sea of misery is character. Do they save us from drowning? Of course not. When it is revealed that Baby Doll sacrifices herself (in 1950s reality) to save Sweet Pea, I thought "oh, so those other three didn't really exist?" And you know what? It doesn't matter. It seems the whole point of this endeavor was to get Sweet Pea back home. However, the cost for her deliverance was the deaths of Amber, Blondie, and her sister, Rocket. Sadly, we will never know if it is was worth it, as we have no idea why her home was worth going back to. In fact, the only knowledge we have is that it was worth running from. That's the extent of everyone's history. Yet when they starting dying off we are supposed to mourn the loss of their two-dimensional lives and find solace in the fact it helped send Sweet Pea back to the family. That family they abandoned, remember? It's the anti-Wizard of Oz. Except when we peel back the curtain, we get a slap to the face. It's Snyder's gall in taking these big swings at drama without earning them that infuriates me.

There is more to say. It's truly that bad. The highlights are the lowlights. Moments so bad that you have to laugh. She must steal the kitchen knife in reality to help her escape? So in her fantasy she is sent on mission CODENAME KITCHEN KNIFE. Yep. One to relish: Jenna Malone's slo-mo punch to the face. Can we take a moment to recognize that this guy is making the next Superman film?

In the third act, as things get their darkest, the costume design gets sparkle-y. Dr. Gorski's beauty mark on her chin is bedazzled, shimmering in the orange lamp light. I kid you not. Dedazzled moles. In a way, it epitomizes the film, adding style unnecessarily. Zack Snyder, you can polish a turd all you want, but it is still a piece of shit.