One topic has dominated my journals in the past few years: what I like to call "post-college growing pains." I'm sure many out there understand, but it is what happens (or doesn't happen actually) once the forced socialization of classes and dorm life ends and true(r) adulthood begins. People move, jobs occupy epic amounts of time, and friendships change. A forty minute drive becomes a drawn out journey. It is hard. It has been six years now, and I've still not adjusted. Like any other relationship, it requires work. However, I've found it has primarily come from my end. I make the drive, I make the call, I arrange the plan. I cannot allow myself to think that this one-side exercising of friendships means they are not strong. I just wonder if I'm the only person of my circle of friends to reach this moment.
For years I considered myself a "social camel," reveling in, if not preferring, my solitude. But somewhere there was change. There is no greater missed opportunity now than one that could have been with friends. Why the change? Was it the slightest increase in "wisdom?" Or a lack of fulfillment with myself? Trying it figure that out.
Either way, tonight was the solution I needed. Still feeling I kind of finagled myself into this small party. Again, what is that? These people know me and care for me, but, in my mind, I wouldn't have been invited if I didn't kind of injected myself in there. Anyhow, it was just the thing for what ailed me. I've been lonely and feeling sorry for myself and the opportunity to talk to my friends and make them laugh meant the world. It always does. Our ability to make something out of nothing (chants of "Wiebe!" and group-sing of "You're The Best") never ceases to amaze me and I've yet to find it in any other group of people. Anyhow, it was delightful, but again there was part of me that began to feel "I contribute nothing." My job, to most, does not seem interesting. Perhaps the special needs community makes some people feel uncomfortable, but those are the individuals I work with, and well, talking about autism certainly isn't conducive to a good time for a group of artists. And then I try to relate on a creative level, but the vocabulary is different. I fancy myself a writer, but again I talk myself down, certain my writing isn't worth sharing.
...
Yikes, that got weird. Yeah, so post #2 ended up being more a ramble than anything. It's my second one and it is nearly 3am, so it will improve. I promise. I'm writing these in a stream, trying to not edit and just let it be raw. If that works, I'll keep it up, if not, I'll see if I can't make it more pliable in structure.
Prediction for the next post: why I want to create but likely never will.
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